Butterflies + Dragonflies: A love story on communication.

I knew there was something special about Tia from the first class I skipped to be with her. Naturally, I wanted to impress her every chance I got. My first big chance to impress Tia came on her birthday the first year we were dating. 

Tia loved me and she also loved butterflies so I wanted to buy her a gift signifying her love for me and the colorful fly in the sky. I remember going to the mall and walking into the jewelry store with my chest out. This was the first time I’d ever purchased jewelry for a girl and it felt pretty manly. I was proud. I confidently picked out a necklace with a butterfly pendant. To make it extra special, I had them change the stones to Amethyst, Tia’s birthstone. I was excited to present Tia with her birthday gift.

The next day I would arrange a meetup and present Tia with her necklace. I watched her eyes as she opened the box. I had envisioned how the twinkle of purple would reflect in her deep brown eyes like on the Kay Jewelers commercials. But when she opened the box there was no twinkle. There wasn’t even a glimmer of happiness. 

What’s wrong I said? She starkly replied I don’t like it. Straight like that. No buffer. No filter. No start with something good and end with something bad. “I don’t like it.” Now, here is the part where it is important to understand the differences in our upbringings. 

Tia was an only child that lived a very upper middle class lifestyle sprinkled with a little love from the hood. She had experienced all of the finer things in life at an early age and had established a high standard for satisfaction. Tia also wasn’t in the business of making others feel good at the expense of herself. 

I literally grew up the complete opposite. We weren’t expensive gift givers in my family, but we’d give you a lot of love! My family always made others feel good especially when there were good intentions. Additionally, I was the golden child in my family. I could do no wrong.

Considering my upbringing, you can probably understand why I was royally pissed by Tia’s response. I went on this long tirade about her being spoiled, ungrateful and inconsiderate. The ungrateful speech was followed by my defense of the gift. I basically tried to convince her of why the necklace was a high-quality gift.

I started with the argument that I just purchased a piece of jewelry for my woman and that shit is playa!Then I explained the amount of thought that went into the gift.The pendant is amethyst, your birthstone.The pendant itself is a butterfly and you love butterflies.I just got my girl a shimmery purple butterfly to wear on her neck.I could not understand why she was disappointed-disappointed.I went on and on for about 5 minutes without Tia speaking a word.At some point I paused for air and she jumped in.I remember her words as if it were this morning.

“First off, this is not a butterfly this is a dragonfly.” 

I grabbed the jewelry box.Looked at the pendant closer.Turned the box sideways.Zoomed out. Inspected from a variety of angles.Then I spoke.I’ll be damned. It is a dragonfly.Instead of making me feel worse than I already felt Tia asked me a question.

Would you rather I pretend to like your gift, accept it and never wear it? Or would you rather return it and get me something that I really like?

In other words, she asked me if I’d rather her lie to me to protect MY ego or tell me the truth to protect OUR happiness?

I chose the latter. 

Ironically, I don’t remember what the replacement gift was. But this gift gone wrong conversation set the standard for how Tia and I would communicate for the next 15 years. Maybe the gift was the experience itself.

The best communication is heart to heart not mind to mind.