"I gotta be a gift." A story about intimacy.

It was my birthday and we had pulled up to celebrate. Tia was looking better than the Instagram explore page. Her style was sexy-elegant. She’d field one compliment after the other. Her response to the adoration was one sentence, “I gotta be a gift.” My gift didn’t come with boundaries or restrictions.That’s intimacy. Intimacy is in the heart, mind and soul before there is anything physical.

Early on, intimacy was creating romantic experiences by visiting the nicest cities, staying in the nicest hotels, eating in the nicest restaurants, rose petals and candles everywhere, etc. We would get used to that. As a matter of fact, the day after “Omar” drove Tia around the city, I’d ask Tia if she knew I was about to propose. She said no because we had several other proposal-worthy nights so she had stopped anticipating it. Every few years we would have to set new standards for intimacy and the process wasn’t easy.

Well, for Tia it was not easy. For me it was easy. All I needed was more hugs that turned into sex. Mrs. Two Zip Disks was always an overachiever so she’d give me more than I needed. I on the other hand would have to do some work. The thing Tia valued most was compassion and my presence. She wanted me to be a part of her daily walk as a working mom, an area where I had been lacking. We would create a plan to “decolonize” our intimacy and focus more on each other. We began daily acts of intimacy which involved 3 parts: 

Part 1: One person talking to the other uninterrupted for 5 minutes. Afterwards, the other person had 5 minutes. It’s amazing the power in being heard.

Part 2: Staring into each other’s eyes for 5 minutes without talking. I miss staring into those eyes more than anything.

Part 3: An uninterrupted 5 minute hug. We’d leave what followed unscripted. These acts brought us closer. 

Men learn intimacy in the streets, in locker rooms and in frat houses. That ain’t good for nobody! Intimacy comes a bit easier for women. For us, the key was creating a safe space void of judgement and insecurity to communicate our needs to the other. 

One booty tap per meal per day.